I took a deep breath as I stepped out of my car and looked around the apartment complex. This was my first time living on my own, away from my dad and it was both exciting and frightening.
I walked through the complex to find my apartment. It was a small unit, but cozy. I'd spent the last couple of weeks buying furniture and decorations to make it feel like home. As I unpacked my belongings, I thought about how happy Dennis had been when we moved in together.
Dennis and I met at a Bible study group three weeks before our wedding day in Reno, Nevada. I had been attending the group for several months, hoping to find someone who shared my faith and values. When I met Dennis, he seemed like the perfect match: he loved God, enjoyed playing guitar and singing to me and had a great sense of humor.
We dated for only three weeks before getting married in a small ceremony at a chapel. Our honeymoon phase went by smoothly until a few days after our marriage when Dennis had his first bipolar episode.
Chapter 2: The First Signs
At first, Dennis's behavior seemed like mood swings. He would be affectionate towards me one minute and then distant the next. I thought it was because he was working long hours at his neon tube bending job. But then things started to get worse.
One day, I came home from running errands, and Dennis was waiting for me at the door. He started berating me for leaving the house without telling him where I was going and how long I'd be gone. I tried to explain that I had just gone grocery shopping, but he wouldn't listen.
From then on, Dennis started to criticize everything I did: from how clean the house was to what I cooked for dinner. He would nitpick every little detail and make me feel like everything was my fault.
I told myself that it was just stress or that he’d snap out of it soon enough. But as time went on, things only got worse. Dennis started yelling at me for no reason, calling me names that made me feel worthless.
I started walking on eggshells around him, afraid of setting him off any further. He never would apologize because the normal side of him wouldn’t remember the manic side of him afterward. It was like he was two different people: like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
As the weeks went by, things escalated and one day trouble hit new heights.
Chapter 3: Escalation
It wasn't long until Dennis's behavior spiraled out of control. He became more and more unpredictable, and I started feeling like I was living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute he was the charming, loving man that I married, and the next, he would be slamming doors, throwing things and calling me names.
The first time Dennis got physically violent was after a long day at work. He called me, himself and God unmentionable, vile, blasphemous names. When he was spiraling into his sinister/depressed phase, he would say that he was the devil himself. I couldn’t agree more from the way he was behaving half the time. He struck his fists against a hanging lamp over my head, shattering the glass. It was only by God’s divine intervention that a shard of glass didn’t slice or lodge into my forehead or eye.
After that night, things only got worse; he became much more aggressive and intimidating. It felt like I was in a prison with no means to escape.
One time we went out to dinner with friends from church when something minor happened to cause Dennis's anger to flare up again. His temper rose as he began shouting obscenities and causing a scene. While we were leaving the place everyone present could see how out of control his behavior had become.
Tears freely ran down my face as we drove home that night because I was shocked and horrified that I would have to deal with this the rest of our marriage and that he never got help for this before.
As time passed by each day turned into new trouble, until one day it dawned on me: things were not getting better. At this point, I knew I needed an escape plan.
Chapter 4: A Plan to Leave
I couldn't take it anymore, and I knew that it was only a matter of time until Dennis's abuse reached its peak. I didn't want to be a victim, but most importantly, I didn't want to endanger my life any longer.
One day after Dennis left for work in the morning, I packed up my truck with some personal belongings and left. I didn’t look back at that day in December 9, 1997. I was 24 years old and I spent 4 years in an emotional and physical manic roller-coaster that I finally was able to step off from, thankfully.
I prayed for him every single day and there were slight improvements here and there but, in the long-run, it was up to Dennis to seek help for his mental and spiritual issues (he needed counseling and deliverance and herbs/supplements that help bipolar disorder like St. John’s Wort, Rhodiola, Magnesium, Omega-3, Ashwagandha, 5-htp or Phosphatidylserine) which he didn’t think he needed. I recall my dear friend and renowned author and speaker, Dr. Joye Pugh, who mentioned that the narcissistic personality is something that one should steer clear of and run from at all costs.
Have I heard of abusive, bipolar and narcissistic people changing their ways through the power of God? Absolutely. Did he? I hope and pray so but I didn’t see major improvement in the four tumultuous years we were married. The first step is admitting he had a problem which he was unwilling to do.
Even though my father was in Thailand, I had the support of friends at work. God helped me to move on and forgive Dennis and pray for him and not hold any bitterness against him. My experience with abuse gave me compassion for those in a similar situation.
As I walked into my new apartment that night, I felt anxious but also relieved knowing that I'm safe now. It wasn't easy leaving him but also realizing staying there would've cost me more than what's visible to many.
Chapter 5: A New Beginning and Self-Realization
I spent the next few weeks living on my own adjusting to my new life. It was difficult leaving behind all that I had known, but now I felt safer, and for the first time in a long while, I could think and breathe again.
I found myself having a renewed relationship with God in the midst of it all because this highly traumatic experience brought me closer acknowledging He’s been my divine protector- making me realize that God does not condone abuse or require me to stay in an unsafe situation.
As days went by and I regained more strength, I began working with counselors on how best to manage my post-traumatic stress syndrome and also building essential life-skills like self-esteem building exercises.
It's been 26 years since leaving Dennis and my past life behind. I now live with my wonderful, stable, Christian husband, Ted, in a lovely home in central Florida, where everything is adorned with positive, biblical affirmations that motivate me daily. I have been working at a county government job and, since then, obtained my Associates degree in Psychology.
My self-growth journey has reinstated a sense of liberation within myself - acknowledging that I'm capable of living life without toxic people/relationships around me.
Whenever thoughts about Dennis run through my head, which hardly happens anymore - his memories only serve as historical evidence of self-growth diligently pursued.
As days go by, it becomes clear that what seems like rock bottom was really just a new beginning for something better—a fulfilling life floating on, at times, troubled waters instead of barely keeping my head above it.
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